What do you want?
Not what you don’t want. Not what you’re afraid will happen. Not what you’re trying to avoid.
What you actually want.
It’s a deceptively hard question for most people I work with – especially after divorce, career upheaval, or personal loss. And it makes sense: when your world gets turned upside down, and survival mode kicks in. You stop dreaming. You start scanning for danger. You shrink your focus to what feels safe.
The result? You spend most of your time looking at the obstacles, not the path forward.
What We Can Learn From Skiing and Kayaking
As an outdoor guide, I teach people this the first time they clip into skis or get into a whitewater kayak:
“Look where you want to go – not at what you want to avoid.”
Because if you stare at the tree? You’re going to hit the tree. Same with the rock in the river. Same with your ex. Same with fear.
Don’t take it from me, I’m just a dumb outdoor educator and coach. But I’m pretty sure I’m on to something.
What the Smart People Say
In psychology, this is a phenomenon related to attentional bias – we subconsciously filter information based on what we’re already focused on. That’s why people in crisis often fixate on worst-case scenarios or repeat the same stories over and over. They’re mentally rehearsing the danger – not possibility.
In neuropsychology, there’s a deeper tool at play: neuroplasticity. The brain rewires itself based on what we practice. And outdoor pursuits are great for that rewiring.
So when you start focusing on what you actually want – not what you’re avoiding – you’re not just daydreaming. You’re building a map your brain can follow.
How to Start Wanting Again
The common refrain is that most people I work with can tell me exactly what they don’t want. They don’t want another relationship like the last one. They don’t want to feel exhausted all the time. They don’t want to wake up 10 years from now wondering what happened to their life.
But ask them what they do want? Crickets. Confusion. Indecision.
That’s not a failure of imagination. That’s conditioning.
We’re taught early on to be reasonable, responsible, and not too loud about our desires (What’s up, my Catholic school homies?). Wanting something just for yourself? That’s selfish. Wanting something big? That’s unrealistic. Better to want less and not be disappointed.
Rubbish. You’re going to feel disappointment at some point either way. You might as well be aiming at something real. And worthwhile.
A Simple Exercise to Reboot Your Internal Compass
Want to try something that sounds ridiculous but works?
Write down 25 things you want. Don’t stop until you hit 25.
Big things. Small things. Things you used to want but then buried. Things that don’t make sense. No judgments.
This exercise isn’t about crafting a bucket list or mapping out your next five years. It’s about reactivating the part of your brain that knows how to want again – the part that’s gotten quiet under all that disappointment and practicality.
Neuroscientist Andrew Huberman calls this kind of intentional listing a way to stimulate the default mode network, the part of your brain that handles self-reflection and future planning. In plain English: writing down what you want helps your brain remember who you are and where you’re going.
And if it’s hard to think of 25? That’s okay. You’re out of practice – not out of potential.
Why This Matters
Here’s what I know from guiding both rivers and people:
The fastest way to stay stuck is to focus only on what you want to avoid. The quickest way to move forward is to name something worth moving toward.
That’s what we do in coaching. We get clear on the trail ahead – not the ghosts behind.
You don’t have to know exactly what’s next. But you do need to know what direction you’re facing. That’s how confidence is built. Not all at once, but one good choice at a time.
Want Help Finding Your Next Direction?
If you’ve been staring at the trees for too long – I’ve got a map, and we can build your trail together.
📩 Email me or drop a comment if you want a copy of the “25 Wants” worksheet I use with clients. And if you’re ready for a more significant shift, book a complimentary call. We’ll look at where you are, where you want to go, and how to stop drifting.
Your next adventure starts by deciding to want again.
