When I work with teenagers on the trail – whether deep in the canyons of the Southwest or ascending to a high alpine lake- their needs are raw and obvious:
Comfort. Food. Belonging. A chance to matter.
And when I coach adults rebuilding after divorce?
The list doesn’t change much.
The Hierarchy Still Stands- But the Terrain Gets Rougher
Every educator learns about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs early on. It’s one of the first tools we’re given to understand human development.
At its core, the model says this: people can’t focus on growth or meaning if their basic needs aren’t being met. The foundation is survival – things like food, shelter, and safety. From there, it moves into emotional needs: connection, belonging, confidence. The final level is where people start asking bigger questions about purpose, creativity, and fulfillment.
It’s often shown as a pyramid, but I think it’s more honest to think of it as a map you keep returning to – especially in times of change.
When life falls apart, it’s not uncommon to feel like you’ve lost ground. The conditions that once held you steady have shifted. Suddenly, the things that felt like givens – community, confidence, security – aren’t so solid anymore.
This is a prime opportunity to rebuild. And the order of operations matters.
What Divorce and Adolescence Have in Common
When I work with teens, I know they’re still figuring themselves out. They’re allowed to be unsure. There is a level of grace offered because it’s their first go- ‘round with adult introspection.
But us? We’re supposed to have already answered those questions.
So we fake it. We smile through the mess. We tell ourselves we should be fine.
I’ve coached enough people through this season to tell you: Being unsure is not a sign of weakness or failure. It’s a result of honest self reflection.
Here’s what tends to collapse first when life unravels:
- Belonging – when the friend group (especially your shared friends) doesn’t know what to say, so they don’t say anything.
- Safety – when your financial foundation disappears overnight.
- Esteem – when you were known as the reliable partner, and now you’re not even sure what your next meal- alone– is going to feel like.
A Pattern I’ve Seen Over and Over
When I’m guiding, people rarely learn the big lessons during the hike, the climb, or the paddle.
The learning comes at the fire circle that night. In the silence after. When they’ve had a chance to sit with it.
That’s where the wisdom tends to surface. And it usually sounds like:
“I’m tired of pretending I’m okay.”
“I need something to look forward to.”
“I want to feel like myself again – but I’m not sure who that is.”
You don’t have to push toward “what’s next” if the ground underneath you is still shaky.
Let’s stabilize the foundation first – and go from there.
What Adults Can Learn From Teenagers
Here’s what teens do right – and what adults should absolutely steal back:
Give yourself permission to be in process
Teens don’t apologize for not having it figured out. Why should you?
Try things on
Adults freeze in the face of reinvention. Teens play around- new hair, fake (or real!) tattoos, new clothes. Post-divorce is the perfect time to test out a new interest, new rhythm, or new version of you. You’ve got room now- honor that space with intentional exploration.
Name the need, honestly
Keep it simple. Examine your core values and identify areas in which those values are not being attended to. Start with small, regular actions to begin the process of being the person you want to be.
If You’re in That Space Right Now…
Welcome to the club!
Self- improvement – whether reconnecting with identity after divorce or simply working to get off of life’s treadmill- is a process, not a destination. Real transformation is rarely accompanied by lightning bolts or choirs of angels.
Becoming takes time.
Just one honest step at a time – toward stability, identity, and maybe even joy.
That’s what I help people do at Crooked Trail Coaching – using a mix of grit and coaching tools, some type II fun, plenty of caffeine, and a few choice words here and there.
