I was listening to a relationship “expert” talking to a newly divorced man last week, when I heard possibly the worst advice I’ve ever heard:
“You’re a great guy. When you learn to express yourself more confidently you will find your person in no time.”
It sounds optimistic. Encouraging, even.
But it skips the most important part: he doesn’t need to find his person right now- he needs to find his people.
Being divorced doesn’t mean you’re incomplete- it’s an opportunity to fully rediscover who you are. While society often emphasizes quickly finding your next romantic partner after divorce, genuine healing and growth come when you focus first on building your community- finding “your people”- rather than immediately seeking “your person.”
The Misguided Quest for the Next Partner
There’s immense social pressure post- divorce to swiftly move into another romantic relationship, often driven by the false notion that being single means being incomplete. This societal expectation can unintentionally reinforce the idea that our self- worth depends on relationship status. However, rushing into new relationships prematurely may stall the critical self- exploration and personal growth necessary for true emotional recovery and self- (re)discovery after divorce.
The Transformational Power of Community
Community, or “your people,” comprises those who resonate deeply with your true self. These are individuals who share common interests, core values, and similar life experiences. The importance of these relationships cannot be overstated. Julianne Holt-Lunstad’s influential 2010 research, published in PLoS Medicine, demonstrated through an extensive meta-analysis involving over 300,000 participants that individuals with strong social relationships had a 50% increased likelihood of survival compared to those with weaker or fewer social ties. This groundbreaking study underscored that meaningful social connections are essential not just for emotional well- being, but for physical health and longevity as well.
Why Community Is Essential Post- Divorce
Community Reaffirms Our Values: Surrounding yourself with individuals who share your core beliefs reinforces your personal values and strengthens your sense of self. In times of change, such clarity is invaluable for maintaining your personal integrity and direction.
Unconditional Support: Unlike romantic relationships, a supportive community remains constant irrespective of your relationship status. This unconditional support creates a stable foundation for emotional resilience, especially in challenging times.
Encourages Personal Growth: Robert Putnam’s seminal work Bowling Alone (2000) extensively explored how declining community engagement in America adversely affected individual well-being. Putnam emphasized that active community involvement fosters essential life skills, boosts emotional resilience, and promotes a sense of belonging and purpose. Individuals engaged in vibrant communities are naturally inclined to pursue personal growth, embrace new experiences, and overcome personal barriers in a supportive environment. This proactive involvement significantly enhances personal confidence, self-awareness, and overall happiness.
The excellent documentary on Putnam’s work, Join or Die, is available to stream on Netflix.
Greater Confidence and Engagement: Being part of a vibrant community increases self- confidence, providing individuals the courage and motivation to engage more fully in broader societal contexts. Community involvement not only enriches your life but also enhances your capacity for personal and professional fulfillment by connecting you to new opportunities and experiences.
Community as the Gateway to Authentic Relationships
Not- so- coincidentally, prioritizing community rather than romantic relationships post- divorce often leads to healthier and more authentic romantic connections. When you engage authentically within a community, you naturally attract relationships based on genuine appreciation and mutual respect rather than compromise or superficial attraction. Relationships developed in this context are grounded in strong shared values, aligned interests, and mutual respect, significantly increasing their potential longevity and depth.
Practical Steps to Finding Your People
- Join Groups and Activities: Seek hobby- based clubs or groups aligned with your passions and interests, where you can meet like- minded people organically.
- Volunteer or Engage in Values-Based Organizations: Participating in volunteer efforts or organizations that align with your core beliefs helps build meaningful connections.
- Participate in Workshops and Group Coaching: Workshops, educational programs, or group coaching sessions designed for personal development and community- building provide structured and supportive environments to foster deep connections.
Focusing first on finding your community after divorce isn’t just practical advice- it’s foundational to creating a meaningful, fulfilled life. When you invest in “finding your people,” you inevitably find yourself- and perhaps, along the way, your person as well.
